A nips out chill induces a clenched spasm forearms to breasts, slightly wet, as my fingers pay homage in tiny taps upon my mug, and I inhale the steam whiffs, succumbing impulsively, going back to the time my smile finally felt GENUINE.
Sun rains warmth upon my face, my neck wrapped by fingers’ grip, nails slightly digging in, for so bleak behind eyelids feigning sleep, disjointed thoughts whip me with an epiphany:
I’m a monster selfish enough to need someone to play with me…
Someone who wants to spend free time doing the same thing; Someone who pulls me out instead of boxes me in; Someone who wants to kiss me and I want to kiss him; Someone who wants a nap and a quickie often.
You’d think when you live with someone for two decades those things would be easy.
But, no matter how much time we have on our hands, I’m alone, trying to write myself a perfect man…
Kinda sad.
Sometimes, I must fill my black hole with a big, fat, hard truth right here for you…
I come here for you to make my dreams come true, for you to touch me, and like my sweetest treat, for me to suck on you, yet I fear I’m forgetting how the real feels, which plugs up my black hole’s suck…
Does that make sense??? Oh, we’ll, let’s just fuck.
(To You: I’ve been thinking about actually hearing your voice…this old stupid poem made me laugh;)
A rag doll god fingers at night,
he pricks me until I see the light:
I will never be all right.
Yes, the truth bites.
But, I bite back with all my might!
Blinds block out what I can’t presently handle (my world small, PTSD producing morning shadows of past DONE dancing distructively on my walls).
SOOOO, daily I shout other people’s lyrics to not freak out, distract myself from a lack of stimulation my brain and body CRAVE, nay…NEED!
Pushing wheels round 20 years, one band, one voice (above-beyond all else) pulled me out of every funk, and this band recently came near my town!
No longer ready for an end…I opened a window, flung myself out, and I FLEW to see them play and sat in awe, observing the voices from their mouths make wild waves, travel from my head to core and tickle my toes.
A band of brothers swinging hips while playing, fluttering fingers singing notes of wise words shining night bright enough to ignite a fire in my soul, my dead heart PUMPED UP, feeling seen…full!!!
A new day after begins…
Sunshine gone, rain downpours; Reality came with tears, gratitude streams, THANKFUL I fingered a star in my small world.
And still reeling now, I can’t stop trying, I can’t stop writing, despite knowing full and well, I’m flying to fall…
Solace remains with a wish upon a heart POUND, with my groove switched back on FOUND:
I’ll laugh as I hit ground.
It’s that ‘P‘ word that eludes me lately.
I search each day for that ‘P‘ in my memory, dressed as the lovely lit up ghost of a childhood friend, who began teasing me when I was ten, always up to have some fun, and Oh, how hot I got when that ‘P‘ came around!
It’s that ‘P‘ that proved to be my rock when nothing else helped, and I’ve hidden that ‘P‘ deep within me, a fire always burning up my shadows, stroking gently my ego, no matterhowlow I go.
Then, one day I tried to coerce that ‘P‘ to come, Please…I plead, Come home. Weeks of searching, but NOTHING CAME! That ‘P‘ was gone…I knew…
I really was alone.
I wondered: Did my big-bad, sad soul swallow that BEAUTIFUL ‘P’ whole to suck on its marrow until it’s gone…as if it was never known???
Fuck NO!
I don’t reside in a metaphor anymore!
That ‘P‘ was never anything but what I want it to be. And, no matter what I do it’s ALWAYS inside me. It’s my PASSION I’m hiding deep, my passion exuding me, it’s passion I want dancing a burning fire up my ass, not the memory of things done gone in the past.
Now, how to TAP THAT PASSION and make it laaast???
Every ending is a disguised beginning. Might be trite, yet where would we be without the truism?
Transcendence is the meaning of life, thereby giving purpose to the strife…
But, it sucks in the dark, feeling stuck, searching for a life-line thrown from above to pull me out of the grave my brain has dug, waiting to warm my lips with a true-light’s kiss, hoping my heart will catch beat again in this life by something…
A line!!! I found it! This morning my brain yelled, and yet stayed paralyzed still.
Birds start bouncing upon my window, teasing me to get out, tapping a message, “You can do it, you’re not all alone! You carry friends to sing with you in your car. The season’s changing, sun’s a-peeking, treebuds blooming, this is what you are seeking. Join us and you’ll see that sometimes the world can be sweet.”
I start my engine igniting IN THE END…
Youthful yearning keeps churning for just a fistful of your energy, fondling my muscles to move, kneading my ass to shake, squeezing me to twist ‘n’ shout “OH, YES!” real loud as you make my earth quake.
(To You: For weeks I’ve wondered if you come to visit my blog. Afraid of loss, I decided that if you did come here, you stopped. Lately, inspiration in my world has been gone, but music has given me some reprieve. I’ve learned no matter what I’ll care. I hope you don’t mind the love I share;)
Your words
that voice
warmed
frigid fingers
to flicker light
in the dark
alone
to write:
Your face
that smile
pops up
head pulsing
stimulation
tickle-pricking
pure pleasure
to shout out
a showering
EXALTATION!
For a moment,
I FEEL POWER.
Hopelessly Inappropriate Thoughts 